Is it a weekday that's not Thursday or Friday? Because any bar will do, unless it's so crowded that you have to shout. Stay away from anyplace where groups of art school students arrive in herds and Instagram their mango-cilantro margaritas — they will take notes on their phones and incorporate the dialogue into their webseries.
Advertisement - Continue Reading Below Also stay away from places that have slow service. It's like someone about to go into surgery, watching two doctors on Grey's Anatomy have a soap-opera fight while standing over a person whose chest is cut open. Make it drinks, not dinner. For the love of all that's holy. If you're like "First let's hold hands and spoon-feed each other couscous for an hour, then after dinner I'll end it," you are either Leopold or Loeb and seeya in hell.
It should be by whatever transportation you need to get home. Grease up that escape hatch and sliiiiide right in. You definitely want to be sitting and prepared for the conversation — it'll throw you off if you show up late and frazzled and he's already there, waiting. Just come like 15 minutes early and have one drink if you feel like it. In a job interview, when they're like "What's your biggest flaw? We both know it's just not. Basically, tell as much of the truth about why you want to end it as you can without hurting the person's feelings to much.
And make your reasoning mostly about you so you don't antagonize the person. This is better than a phase out. Let's change the culture from the all-or-nothing face-to-face or disappearing act to make space for the means in-between. Your ex will thank you, and you'll appreciate it when you're on the other end in the future.
And, here are some runner-up points to help with the transition: Don't try to blame it on something else or you'll just extend the process. For example, don't say "I'm not emotionally available" or "You deserve better. Try something like, "I'm not totally invested in this, and I don't think it's fair to you to continue stringing you along," or "I've been seeing someone else and I think we're a better fit for each other. Don't keep sleeping with them if you know they want more.
Usually one person wants more. Don't keep liking their Instagram photos and FB statuses, sending them messages "Thinking of you! It will be confusing for them and will delay their healing process. If you feel compelled to do any of the above, ask yourself if you're doing it for them or for you. I have a really hard time knowing people don't like me, but it's unrealistic to expect that an ex is going to just let a breakup slide off their back and switch to being buds with you.
Being rejected hurts, angers, and confuses peeps. The more selfless thing you can do in this situation is be firm with your decision. Remind yourself that feeling anxious, guilty, and conflicted and anything else is OK. It means you care. Don't try to ignore the feelings or tell yourself you shouldn't feel uncomfortable because you're choosing to end it. Be kind to yourself. Anger is a natural reaction to hurt.
Remember you're likely not impermeable to insult, so ensure you have supports as well to debrief any negative feedback you receive. At the end of it all, it sucks for both parties. Hurting someone sucks, and so does getting hurt. But remember that uncomfortable feelings and difficult experiences are all part of being a human. And, if you feel guilty, it's a good thing — it means you have a conscience. You are entitled to your feelings. You are allowed to change your mind. You are allowed to be selfish.
You're allowed to break up with someone over text message or Facebook Chat. You are not a bad person.
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