I've been in love with the same girl for over a decade now. She was the one I always believed I'd end up with; I was convinced that no matter how many times either of us screwed things up, we'd eventually come back to each other. He's no good for her, but she feels for him immensely. And that's one of the reasons I've always loved her so much; she has an immense capacity for love. I tried loving others, but it never worked out. I guess that's why it was so incredibly difficult to see her in love with another man.
I thought that if I couldn't find love again, she must feel the same way. But that wasn't — isn't — the case. When you see the person you love fall in love with someone else, it breaks you. I distinctly remember the exact moment when I realized that our love would live forever in the past. I was at a loss for words.
I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to think. I didn't know how to stand. I didn't know if I should keep my hands inside or outside of my pockets. My heart was racing. The wind was knocked out of me. I couldn't spend another second talking to her, because I knew I was about to break down. Love isn't just about the emotions you're feeling. It's about what this person means to you. Then you do your best to figure out how to cope with it. A part of you dies.
I wish I could tell you which part that is, but I haven't yet been able to pin it down. But you'll know you're a different person than you were an hour ago. You'll no longer feel or look at the world in the same way. She simply needs pertinent and accurate information. So how do you handle such a sensitive and possibly boat-rocking conversation? First, start praying now and ask God to guide this process and to lead you in a way that pleases His heart and brings Him glory.
Pray about every detail of the conversation and pray it often. Next, as much as it is possible, do this face-to-face. There's simply no better way to make sure the message you have in your head and heart gets communicated as clearly as possible. In other words, no electronic media. This is something that requires the whole person — facial expressions, body language, voice inflections — you get the point.
Then contact her and ask if you can meet her for a short conversation somewhere in a public place for a very casual but time-sensitive visit. When you get together, remember that as difficult and maybe counter-intuitive as it seems, you should do your best to dial down your emotions when sharing your thoughts. At the very least she should be encouraged that her relationship with God stirred your own heart for Him. Finally, prayerfully leave it in her hands. She might respond right away, or she might need time to process.
Tell her that you know that she has a boyfriend, and that you don't want to get in the way if it's serious, but that you'd like to get to know her better. Instead of asking her out, try writing down your number and giving it to her. This makes your intentions pretty clear, but saves you the trouble of trying to find the perfect way to ask her out. You'll only have to pass her the number and tell her to call you sometime. She may get in touch with you when things get rocky with her boyfriend, or she may start texting or talking to you immediately to get to know you.
Sometimes, you may not have to make the first move. In this case, let her bring up a date. It's likely he'll be upset that you're trying to take his girlfriend, so prepare to apologize if necessary. If she decides to go out with you, he'll be even more upset. Try to avoid him, but if he comes to talk to you, apologize to him and explain that you have no intention of breaking up with her. If she starts contacting you frequently to talk about her feelings, or if she uses you as a sounding board to complain about her boyfriend, she most likely sees you as a friend.
Listen to how she talks about you. See if she still flirts with you. If she flirts with you and seems genuinely interested, you may have a chance. Break things off with her. If you are still interested in dating her but she sees you as a friend, break off the friendship. You will only get hurt if you end up as a third wheel. Stay friends with her. If you decide that you value her friendship more than a potential romantic relationship, it is okay to stay friends with her.
If the girl really likes you, but is in a serious relationship, she may be tempted to cheat on her boyfriend with you.
The Art of Charm
What to Do When Someone You Like is Dating Someone Else
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